How to Put a Cat in a Carrier

For the past 9 months, my husband and I have been discussing the need for our cat, Steve, to get groomed. It's one of those things you talk about, but never actually do for various reasons (too busy, too lazy ...), but now that summer (a.k.a. my unpaid vacation) has arrived and my husband has accepted my jobless status, he suggested that now I have the time to take Steve to the groomer. Fine. I can do that. We are drowning in fur, and the cat probably does get hot during the warm days so I guess it's my duty as a responsible pet owner to do this, not only for the good of our house, but for the cat itself.

I call the groomers and find out they need papers. Uhhhhh? "We don't have them, but I promise she is completely healthy." Apparently, that doesn't work. I will have to take her to the vet to get a booster shot before they will groom her. Fine. I can do that.

So I get out the cat carrier and put it on the floor and proceed to get this show on the road. What I didn't know then was the battle that was about to ensue.

Round 1: I call her to the carrier and coax her in. Yeah right. (Steve 1, me 0)
Round 2: I pick her up and attempt to slide her in. Okay, psycho cat. (Steve 2, me 0) My husband laughs (one of the joys of him working from home) and suggests using food. Genius. I get out some ham.
Round 3: I leave ham in various spots on a path which leads to the carrier. This cat is no dummy and manages to use her paws to swat the ham towards her without actually having to get closer to the carrier. (Steve 3, me 0) Fine. I can play this game.
Round 4: I put the carrier on its back so it faces straight up, I pick up Steve and try to cram her in while my husband holds the carrier steady (he has now decided to join forces). Psycho cat strikes again, tufts of fur fly, and scratches result. (Steve 4, us 0)
Round 5, 6, 7, 8: Try as we might, two young, strong, grown adults are unable to overtake one small ball of fur with giant talons. (Steve 8, us 0)

My husband suggests Benadryl. I give up. Steve licks her paws victoriously in the corner. I decided to expand my resources. I youtube "How to put your cat in a carrier," imagining that some cat expert is going to have some brilliant trick up their sleeve. I click on the first video. I watch as a smiling woman holding what looks to be a drugged cat explains how simple it is to put your cat in a carrier. Sure enough, never losing her smile, she picks up her cat from the scruff of its neck and gently lowers him (that's right, her carrier conveniently has a door on the top) into the carrier. That was highly unhelpful.

About an hour later, I realize how ridiculous this predicament is. People do this everyday! How hard can this be? I grab her front paws, husband grabs back paws. Together, we ... fail. Limbs were flying, claws were out, husband got scratched, and even more fur was lost. (Maybe if we do this enough, there won't be any more fur to groom)

I am not going to take no for an answer! I back Steve into a corner. I pick her up, grasping her back paws, I walk over to the carrier, and I confidently shove (sounds violent, but it was necessary) her butt into the carrier and close the door. Easy as that. I won. (Steve loser, me winner)

This better end up being the best grooming I ever saw.